A Day at the Fair

I just auditioned for a commercial for the South Carolina State Fair, and it got me thinking about the annual 10-day event.

Retail people hate it. Fairgoers save their money for a week before the fair so there's no business. Everyone is spending their money at the fair for 10 days so there's no business. Then everyone has spent all their money at the fair and there's no money for anything else so there's no business. That means almost the entire month of October is shot.

However, for those who attend the fair it's a happy event.

The family drives to the fairgrounds anticipating an exciting day of activities. Two and a half miles from their destination traffic forces them to a complete stop. Unfortunately, they're on the wrong side of the railroad tracks and the 250 car, 9:45 freight train from Orlando has just crossed the highway travelling at a meteoric 15 miles an hour.

Thirty minutes later, the railroad gate goes up and the traffic is still backed up because other people who knew the train was coming used a detour under the tracks to get in the traffic line for the fair.

An hour and a half later you finally arrive at gate "A", the gate closest to the fair entrance and you're excited about your good luck. Unfortunately you're in row 345 which is in the next county. The shuttle bus takes 30 minutes to get you to the box office where you pay your $5 per person.

Two and a half hours have passed and you just got to the front gate!

You look around at the rides, the midway and the games, the food kiosks and the exhibits and farm animals and your excitement peaks.

However, anyone over 40 does not ride the rides. They get sick going around in circles, and besides, they get the same treatment at work five days a week so why should they pay for the same thing they get for free?

The happy family walks past the midway. The games are enticing however, why would you throw dull darts at underinflated balloons which bounce off the rubber and increase your anxiety and blood pressure? Now, if you could throw darts at your congressman, that might be fun.

Toss a ring around a coke bottle. Bounce a ball into a numbered slot. Fill the clown's mouth with water and pop the balloon. Have the prognostigator guess your age (or stress level?). Are we having fun yet?

Meanwhile, the kids you brought with you are having a blast. At least you think they are because you haven't seen them since you paid to get in. They're on the roller coaster or the thing that goes upside down. Maybe they're on the ride that takes them vertically into the statosphere and drops them to within a foot of the ground leaving their stomachs, heart and mind somewhere "up there!"

You and your partner continue walking around the fairgrounds looking for excitement and something to do. Entering the Animal Husbandry exhibit you try your hand at milking a cow just in case you get lost somewhere on the Isle of Guernsey and need a quick meal.

Entering one of the buildings you view the artwork and crafts.

"Look, Henrietta, isn't that interesting?" which is code for "my three-year old niece could do better blindfolded."

Returning outdoors, you smell it. The aromas mixing together to get the juices flowing. It's fair food!

Fried mushrooms, fried elephant ears, fried Oreos, fried butter. (My cholesterol just shot up 20 points as i wrote this.) Italian and Polish sausage that wouldn't be recognized by any respectable resident of Warsaw or Rome, but who cares? It's "dirty food," fair food and it has a taste all its own. Besides, your wife already told you she wasn't cooking tonite which is why you're at the fair to begin with.

An hour later you round up the kids and head for the exit vowing, "never again" but knowing you'll be back next year because it's the "State Fair" and it's just something everyone does.